The New Kid on The Block
It’s kind of amazing how long it took me to get involved into Medium. I think that sometimes, discovering useful things requires you to be in a new country, all by yourself, with a bag full of confusing feelings and hopes, and huge cloud of insecurity right ahead of the road.
Let’s go back to the start. No that far in the past, 31 ½ years ago, my mother gave birth a stubborn and particularly smiley Colombian baby boy. I was nice and lovable, and I’m letting a picture of myself as a toddler to prove it.
I grew up relatively alone for ten years, ’til my only brother was born. I was not as gregarious as I’m nowadays. I hated trying to make friends because I’ve always struggled with the ice-braking issue.
For those who know me, all of this can sound like a joke. I’ve been labelled “shameless” so many times that I’ve lost account. But for those few that really know me, this might actually make sense: I’m like Dracula or any other good old-fashioned vampire. I’m an endless life-sucker, but only if I’m invited. And I also have a struggle with reflections, but that might be for another issue.
The reason is simple: I hate rejection. It terrorizes me.
Then why, on holy universe’s sake, did I decided to let almost all my life behind, fly during a pandemic to a country I’d never been, without knowing a single word of its language, nor having any solid job leads?
Leap into the void
When it comes to deal with fear, I take the bullfighter’s approach: go to the field, face your beast knowing it’s ten times your size, and trust your little giant ego.
That was my angle when I decided to come Sweden. I got a one-life opportunity to jump, and my mother didn’t rise quitters (maybe rose a couple of reckless, but never quitters).
Now I’m here. All by my own, because loving doesn’t mean being attached by the hip, and my other half has her own life to deal. And this vampire has no friends, no family, no job and no invitations.
When I was preparing to take the leap to the void, I faced a Doctor Strange’s momentum: I foresaw almost every possible scenario (even considered a ridiculous one where my plane crashed, and I had to be a castaway with a tiger like in “Life of Pi”).
What I learned is that jumping into a fight with your deepest fear and start a new life is similar to dealing with the death of a cared relative or starting with your communication strategy. You might think you’re prepared, but only facing it will show you your truly self.
And my self still is that cute boy terrified of rejection, hoping that a smile might be enough to melt some freezing Nordic hearths. It’s not their fault; it’s really chill up here.
Now what?
OK. I’m being dramatic. Thanks to Catalina (my person, from now on), I’ve met some wonderful people. We’re not yet on the invitation basis, but this vampire has his ways.
Being away from family and friends took me all out my comfort zone. They’ve been my rock when I felt weak or empty, but it also gave me a false sense of security that made me lazy and gave me excuse to avoid taking responsibility. I mean, I’m a diabetic at my 30s, all as a result of self-destructive habits.
Being alone surrounded by beloved ones, for me, was like a rehearsal (a pretty shitty one). Now I’m in stage on opening night. The spotlight is on me.
I have the charming smile, the fine ability to tell compelling stories and helping others to do it so, and enough stubbornness to stand up as many times as needed.
Yes, I’m still terrified of rejection. I cry every other night. But what the heck. Being the new kid on the block once again is inevitable if you’re looking for amazing stories. I will keep repeating this as long it takes to convince myself.
I don’t know if this will be my regular approach to Medium, but it felt like the right way to start. I mean, I’m also the new kid on this block.
